he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
