she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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