So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
