Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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