I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
