my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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