you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
