i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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