you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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