I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
