No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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