life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
