We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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