I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
