Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so let's talk penis.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
