The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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