remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
