if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
