Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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