I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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