come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Even my vagina gasped.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
