I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
