Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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