Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
