Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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