Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
