Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
