I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
