and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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