I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
