About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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