Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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