Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
