I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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