Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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