I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
