she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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