When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
