if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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