Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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