So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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