Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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