I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
