Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
