A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
