i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
