Apparently you make a good broom.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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