god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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