Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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