dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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