Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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