my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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