just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
