i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
