me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
