yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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