mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
