please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
