Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
