sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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