he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
