My friends, they love my intelligence
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
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