By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
